 Coming Out of the Closet
by David M.
Fitzpatrick
Last updated
Sunday, 26 February 2006
Sounds like announcing you're a homosexual,
and in many ways the impact of "coming out" as an Atheist is much the same: it
can be a life-altering event. Like homosexuals, Atheists are a persecuted
minority. Like homosexuals, we're different than the norm! This is difficult
for "the norm" to accept. While coming out can change your life, it
might also change the lives of others around you.
First things first: look out for number
one. What YOU want is the most important factor in this. Of course,
compassion for the feelings of your friends and family, as well as common
sense when dealing with certain others, is something to consider.
Do You Need to
Come Out to Others?
There's nothing particularly wrong with staying in the closet; after
all, what you are, who you are, and what you believe are your own thoughts
and ideals. However, if you insist on being completely introverted, you're
missing out on the rest of life. If you're an Atheist, be proud and assert
your beliefs, your intellect, and your independence. Just be sure you're
ready to do it, and be sure to whom you're ready to come out.
Are You Ready to
Come Out?
The first question to ask if whether you're ready. We're assuming that,
at the least, you know you're an Atheist and aren't still wondering whether
religion makes any sense (if you still think religion makes sense, leave
this page and go read the "Common Sense
and Uncommon Nonsense" before you return). Once you're
ready and have decided that you are, indeed, an Atheist, you've already come
out to the person who matters most: you. But eventually you'll come out to
others.
Close family and
friends are usually the first ones to do this to, and they can
often be the hardest. Hopefully, your family and friends will accept your
decision and support you, even if their beliefs are radically different.
Likely this will NOT be the case, especially if they happen to be
particularly religious types. If you grew up in a devoutly Catholic
family, about the last thing your parents will want to hear is how you
think everything they brought you up to believe is silly.
Other friends
and acquaintances are usually easier. These might be people you
hang out with and refer to as friends, but aren't the kinds of friends
with whom you trust important secrets or trust your children with, so to
speak. What they think may not matter so much, and likewise even if they
are polar opposites they may likely accept your differences a lot easier.
On the other hand, they may decide that you're not worth hanging out with
anymore.
Co-workers and
teachers are a different level of people to tell, and perhaps
where you need to be most careful. Inherently, your average co-worker or
teacher isn't likely going to care much at all, but there might be
religious zealots who aren't going to like it. We'd like to believe that
there isn't any way you could lose your job or get kicked out of school
over being an Atheist, but don't underestimate the power of religious
zealots. Depending on where you are in the country, people in charge may
well "find a reason" to get rid of you on the job. At the very least, you
might experience persecution in school, harassment at work, and so on. It
is because of this that coming out to these people might not be a wise
idea.
Regardless of who you come out to and who
you don't discuss it with, I'm still of the opinion that you should
ultimately assert your Atheism. But be sure the time is right, and to what
degree you should do it. Being assertive about your Atheism is not the same
as becoming a crusading Atheist, ready to convert everyone to your way of
thinking and spread the Atheist words relentlessly into every dusty corner
of your life. First of all, when you start behaving that way, you're
sounding a lot like a religious zealot! Second, you ought to be able to have
your Atheist beliefs and ideals without broadcasting to everyone in sight.
How to Come Out
This depends on your personal situation, but as a general rule, taking
care and doing it slowly is a good idea. If your family and close friends
are particularly religious, and you were raised that way, it's a good idea
to sit them down and start off with something like, "Mom, dad, I know this
is going to be difficult for you to understand, but I wanted to tell you
about something I've come to terms with in my life. I'm an Atheist."
People will react differently, but if you
feel the need to be delicate and sit down with people to tell them, your
instincts are probably correct about how they'll react. Just be calm and
take their reactions in stride. You can't make them understand, and that
isn't your aim; it's to let them know what you've decided. Now is not the
time to get into debates on evolution vs. creation, so don't bother to go
down that road yet; save it for later.
They'll likely ask questions, so answer the
best you can. Again, avoid religious debates. Your best answer to everything
in this opening scene is likely going to be "I am an Atheist because I have
decided that I don't believe in the same things you believe in." Any more
than that, and you risk making things worse—don't start off telling them
how silly and stupid believing in a religion is. That won't help matters,
and it will only put you on an insulting offensive. If they get too vicious
towards you, then end the meeting and let them think about it for a few
days.
Arguments
Now is not the time for
Atheist/religionist debates. You may be confronted with a whole array of
emotions, from anger to anguish. Upset people may try to "talk you out of
it." It isn't uncommon to be confronted with a whole host of helpful
allegations:
- "You're sick." This usually
refers to your mental state, as in there's something wrong with your
brain, there's a chemical imbalance, you're insane, etc. The best argument
is that there is nothing wrong with you, but don't feel like you have to
produce medical documentation to prove it.
- "You're not thinking straight."
This also refers to your mental state, as in you're having aberrations in
how you think. It is often easier for religionists to assume this than to
face the truth. It's best to reaffirm that you are, in fact, thinking
quite clearly, perhaps for the first time in years. Establish very
strongly that the application of your logic, reason, and intellect is not
a thinking error, but rather an important point where you've learned to
think on your own. There is nothing "crooked" about your thinking!
- "You're possessed or otherwise
influenced by the devil." This is a favorite of fundamentalist
meatball Xians who believe that any deviation from the Xian norm is
evidence of the devil manifesting within you. There is no way to defend
against this tactic, because someone who truly believes this usually very
truly believes it. The only response is a continuous, unswerving "I don't
believe in the devil" and even that won't work. They'll likely insist the
devil is clouding your judgment, and that's why you think there is no
devil. The best intellectual response to this is that the devil wouldn't
want anyone who was an Atheist, because Atheists don't believe in the
devil either. But that still won't be enough.
- "Someone has talked you into your
Atheism." You've likely listened to someone talk about it, but that's
different than being talked into it. People make decisions to be Atheists
based on intellect, logic, and reason... the opposite of why they make
decisions to be religionists. The fact is, people believe in their
religions because they listened to someone else... we all learn things in
school because we listen to someone else... even when we read a book we
listen to someone else. "Someone else" has a hand in most of what we know
and believe, but it is our intelligent, thinking minds that decide what to
accept. Your intelligent, thinking mind has given you insight enough to
toss aside all the mythology in favor of a more rational outlook.
- "Someone has forced you into your
Atheism." This is a favorite of mothers upset over their daughters
announcing their Atheism. These types are often convinced that you have
been brainwashed in some way to think along such horrible lines. It is
interesting to note that religions generally rely exclusively on
brainwashing and other mind programming techniques, so it's amusing when
religionists resort to this explanation. All you can do here is insist
that isn't the case, but you may be faced with the "You're so forced
you're defending the one who forced you" argument.
- "You're angry with God, but it will
pass." This is a typically self-righteous attempt to be "holier than
thou": you have erred, you are wrong, but God is merciful and patient and
will forgive you when you stop this silliness and beg his forgiveness.
Like the devil example above, you can do little more than reiterate that
you don't believe in God.
- "What did I do wrong?" Usually a
guilt trip attempt, but perhaps serious. If the latter, the person may
think he or she really did a bad job raising you. This isn't the case, of
course.
- "Why do you hate me?" This is
almost certainly a guilt trip attempt. There's no call for it, but your
response, to someone who loves you, is to simply reassure you that you do,
in fact, not hate him... that you do love him, and that your Atheism has
nothing to do with loving or hating.
- "How could you do this to me?"
Another guilt trip. You aren't doing ANYTHING to ANYONE... except to
yourself. You're asserting your Atheism and your right to make your own
decisions.
Those are just some examples, and there
will certainly be more. The key point during coming out is not to be
confrontational. You don't need a fight at that point; you don't even need a
debate. It's enough to state your position and then calmly answer questions
and respond to criticisms with candor and resolve, but also with
understanding and caring.
Professional Help
This article isn't an attempt to substitute for professional help, of
course, and if you're in a difficult family situation, that may be an
option. However, while coming out may change other people's lives, the most
important life it will change is yours... and there's little need for
anything other than taking control over the direction of your life. |
