An
Incomplete Xian Analogy: Only Half the Comparison
by David M.
Fitzpatrick
Last updated
Tuesday, 30 August 2005
This is another good one. Around September 2003, a very ignorant email began
circulating (at least, that's when I first received it). The text of it is
roughly as follows:
A Worker was asked by a Co-worker,
"What's it like to be a Christian?"
The Worker replied,
"It's like being a pumpkin.
God picks you from the pumpkin patch, brings you in out of the cold, and
washes all the dirt off of you. Then He cuts off the top and scoops out
all the yucky stuff. He removes the seeds of doubt, hate, greed, and so
on, and then He carves you a new smiling face. Finally, He puts His
light inside of you to shine for all the world to see."
Nice analogy! Only it seems to be not quite finished in the analogy
department. Let an Atheist finish that for you:
Then an Atheist, sensing the first Co-worker's slide from rational
thought towards brainless beliefs, joined them at the water cooler and said,
"Yes, being an Xian is indeed
like being a pumpkin. God removes all the pieces that make you the person
you are, good or bad. Then he carves you up, making you into someone else
entirely—putting a
new face on you, good or not. Finally, he sets fire to what's left of your
brain.
"Then you begin to rot. Before long, there's
nothing left but a shriveled, squishy, putrid pile of dead, rotten pumpkin.
That's what Xianity does to you: makes you think all is well and good,
that life is wonderful, and that the invisible man who lives up in the sky
is watching out for your best interests.
"What it really does is change you from a
thriving, living, beautiful, intelligent life form into a stagnant, dead,
ugly, mindless vegetable without anything of your own inside. It makes you
think you've gotten rid of all the bad stuff —but
it's only making you think the bad stuff is gone, and on top of it gives you
more bad stuff.
"Eventually, there's nothing left of the person you
were... but that jack-o-lantern face is still
there on your rotted head, trying its best to keep smiling and pretend
everything is all right."
"That sounds terrible!" Co-worker said.
"Does it get any better?!"
"Certainly," said the Atheist.
"Sooner or later, someone comes along and smashes you
in the the road, and your troubles are over."
"THAT would be
SATAN!" Worker proclaims defiantly.
"No, silly," the Atheist said,
"that would be a bunch of hoodlums down the block. Do
you know why?"
"No," Worker said.
"Why?"
"Because," the Atheist said,
"there IS such a thing as a bunch of hoodlums down the
block."
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