Mooning God and
Hanging with Lucifer
by David M.
Fitzpatrick
Last updated
Sunday, 26 February 2006
Xians often ask me what I'd do if I died and
found out I was wrong and there really was a God and I was standing in
judgment before him. When one asks me this, I usually respond first by
saying, "That depends on which god I found in the afterlife."
"Well, GOD," he says, as if I'm stupid.
I keep up the confusion façade. "Yeah, but
WHICH god?"
"You know... GOD," he says, getting really
annoyed.
"One of the Greek gods?" I say innocently.
"Roman? Or Norse?"
"No! I mean GOD! The only god! His NAME is
God!"
I finally give up and say, "Oh,
you must mean the Xian God. There are so many gods and religions and
views of the afterlife that I wasn't sure which one you meant."
Once that's cleared up, he asks again what I'd do if I died and suddenly found
the Xian God waiting to judge me. I say, "I'd drop my drawers, turn around,
and moon the bastard."
As you might imagine, this sends any
meatball Xian over the edge. I explain,
"I'd do such a thing because if I am wrong, and the Xian god really DOES
exist, and the Bible is right about everything, then this guy isn't someone
I'd respect or want to hang out with for all eternity."
"But you'll go to HELL!" he proclaims,
horrified.
"Good!" I say enthusiastically. "I'd much
rather hang with Satan than your god."
"WHAT?!" he gurgles. "How can you SAY
that?"
Just because I enjoyed the gurgling and
accompanying facial expressions, I reply, "Like this: I'd much rather hang
with Satan than your god."
When the gurgling stops, he wants to know
why. (They always do.) "Well, you see, Lucifer was the name given to
Satan in Jerome's Vulgate, but the name stuck. Lucifer was an archangel
who led the revolt of the angels. The revolt failed and Lucifer was cast out
of Heaven."
"They shouldn't have opposed God!"
"Well, I think they should have. After all,
they wanted two things: free will and immortal souls. Lucifer, and many of
the other angels, were upset that they did all of God's work but didn't get
the same rewards as humans. Humans had immortal souls and free will. Now,
Biblically speaking, it doesn't look like humans have a whole lot of free
will, but that's another argument. Anyway, Lucifer wanted free will and an
immortal soul, not to mention God's job, and God wouldn't give it those things to the angels."
"God knows best! They couldn't presume to
understand Him!"
"Well, one third of the angels disagreed.
That's not a good number when you consider they were all supposed to be holy
and loyal to God. But I won't debate their motives. They revolted and lost,
and Lucifer was cast into the Pit."
"Where he DESERVED to go!"
"Right, right. Cast into the Pit for all
eternity, and somehow Xianity came up with this idea that Lucifer is evil
and that Hell is where you go when God is pissed at you."
"That's right! Eternal torment for
sinners!"
By now, the Xian rhetoric being constantly
interjected into the conversation is no longer amusing; it's redundant and
getting boring. But that's
okay. "So tell me this: why would Lucifer, who is pretty
angry with God for the whole 'lack of free will and immortal souls' thing,
help God?"
Usually this elicits a look of
absolute uncomprehension. "Huh?"
"Okay, let me make sure I have this
straight. God is punishing sinners by sending them to Hell?"
"Yes."
"And Satan is in charge down in Hell?"
"Yes."
"And Satan was the archangel Lucifer who
lost a war against God?"
"Yes!"
"And God cast him out of Heaven and into
Hell for all eternity?"
"YES!"
"So why in the world would Satan possibly
want to help God by tormenting people God didn't like? Like they say, my
enemy's enemy is my friend. Lucifer would be welcoming sinners into Hell
with cigars and bubble baths. The more anti-God people he has hanging with
him, the better. I'd think he'd stockpile us up until he had a more powerful
force, so he could lead another war against Heaven and get rid of this
fascist pig who's in charge."
"That's insane!"
"No, that makes perfect sense. Lucifer is
about freedom... independence... justice... and anti-Xianity. If there's an
Xian afterlife, he's the guy I want to hang with."
This scenario usually goes on for a while,
with the Xian fiercely trying to tell me how Revelation tells us about Hell
and fire and brimstone and all of that apparently drug-induced dream stupor
John had (remember that the Revelation to John was something imminent; it
was supposed to happen right away, in John's lifetime... two thousand years
later, it hasn't happened yet). I let them rant a while.
"The thing is," I finally interject, "the Bible is full of pretty nasty things, and God is a pretty nasty
guy. He destroys cities and even the entire world when things don't go his
way, he pretends to give us free will but apparently knows exactly what
we're going to before we do it and even sets things up to happen (such as
forbidding eating the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge but then having the
tree be right there in the garden), and so on. God is raving bastard who
doesn't deserve my time. Lucifer wasn't evil; he wanted free will and an
immortal soul, and he recognized that God was incompetent, uncaring, and
evil. He was willing to fight and risk being cast out of Heaven over the
issue. So like I said, God gets my big white Irish butt in his face and
Lucifer gets a firm handshake and an offer for me to do volunteer work down
at campaign headquarters."
That usually about does it for the
conversation with the Xian. It doesn't do them any good, but it sure is a
fun chance to enjoy watching them.
And for anyone who thinks I'm a jerk for
messing with their heads, remember this: every bit of it is true. If I died
and found the Xians were right, that is exactly my take on the whole thing.
If no other reason makes it clear, any all-powerful God who would send me
off to eternal torment isn't the kind of god I'm interested in hanging with
anyway.
Give me Lucy, baby! |
