Atheist
Jokes
by David M.
Fitzpatrick
Last updated
Monday, 01 January 2007A Christian, a Muslim, a Jew, and an Atheist are lost in the desert. After
days of wandering in the heat, exhausted and thirsty, they spot a glass of
water sitting on a table.
The Christian
cries out, "Praise the Lord, we're saved!" and offers up a prayer of thanks.
The Muslim cries out, "Praises be to Allah,
we're saved!" and offers up a prayer of thanks.
The Jew cries out, "Praise Yahweh, we're
saved!" and offers up a prayer of thanks.
The Atheist says, "Damn, that water really
hit the spot."
An Atheist is out fishing on a lake when
suddenly his boat is attacked by the Loch Ness Monster. The creature flips
the boat and the Atheist high into the air and then opens its mouth to
swallow the Atheist when he falls.
As the Atheist falls toward, he looks down to see
the gaping maw of the vicious creature waiting for him. He cries out, "Oh,
no... GOD, HELP ME!"
Suddenly, time stops. The surprised Atheist
hangs in midair, and a booming voice from the heavens says, "I
thought you didn't believe in me!"
"Come on, give me a break!" the man says.
"Ten seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster either!"
An Atheist was out for a walk in the woods
when a ferocious bear suddenly appeared and charged him. He ran but the bear
gained on him. Just as the bear was about to pounce on him, the Atheist
screamed out, "God, help me!" The
scene froze in place and a booming voice from above said, "You have never
believed in me. You have spread your Atheist propaganda against me. And now
you're asking me to stop the bear?"
"Please!" the Atheist cried out. "I'll tell you what... turn it into a
fundamentalist Christian. That should be punishment enough for my Atheist
ways." "Well, all right," the booming
voice said. The scene unfroze and the
bear stopped its leap. It clasped its hands together, looked up to the
heavens, and said, "Thank you, o lord, for this meal I am about to
receive..."
A devoutly religious man lived next door to
an Atheist. While the religious one prayed every day and was constantly on
his knees in communion with his Lord, the Atheist never even looked twice at
a church. However, the atheist's life
was good. He had a well-paying job, a beautiful wife, and children who were
healthy and good-natured. The religious man's job was a difficult one, he
made very little money, his wife was cheating on him, and his kids were
disrespectful and uncontrollable. So
one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes to Heaven and asked:
"Oh God, I honor you every day. I ask your advice for every problem. I
confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn't go to church,
doesn't pray or ask forgiveness, and doesn't even believe in you, is blessed
with every happiness, while I'm poor and suffer every indignity. Why is
this?" And a great voice boomed down
from above, "Because he doesn't bother me all the time!"
During an ecumenical convention, a trash
can caught on fire. One of the attendees screamed "Fire!" The other
attendees reacted:
- The Methodists gathered in the corner
and prayed.
- The Baptists cried, "Where's the water?"
- The Quakers quietly praised God for the
blessings fire brings.
- The Lutherans posted a notice on the
door declaring that the fire was evil.
- The Roman Catholics passed the
collection plate to cover the damage.
- The Jews posted symbols on the door
hoping the fire would pass.
- The Congregationalists shouted, "Every
man for himself!"
- The Fundamentalists decreed, "It's the
vengeance of God!"
- The Episcopalians formed a procession
and marched out of the room.
- The Christian Scientists concluded that
there was no fire.
- The Presbyterians appointed a
chairperson to appoint a committee to investigate the matter and submit a
written report.
- And the atheist hotel manager walked in,
grabbed the fire extinguisher off the wall, and put the fire out.
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