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| Ever since I can remember,
people have been mucking up my name--turning "Fitzpatrick" into
"Fitzgerald." I always tolerated it, politely correcting them through teeth
that grew increasingly gritted together as the years went by. After all, I
never called my Smith friends Jones; never even called my MacDonald friends
McDonald or McBurgerking. I even have a friend named David Reed, and I
never called him Reede, Reid, Read, Reade, or even Reece or Reese or
Rees or Reeks or Reeder or Reeve or Reeves... What, you say I'm getting carried away? That nobody could possibly mistake REEVES for REED, despite the common REE letters at the beginnings of the word? Just like nobody could ever confuse MacDonald with McBurgerking? You think people can't mess up a name simply because the first few letters are similar? Think again! I've been enduring it all my life. But I endured it... until Brutarian
Quarterly. I had begun doing the Web site for this pop culture magazine
(where the first incarnation of this page appeared) and in their Issue #30,
I was credited incorrectly. Subsequently, I took over the layout for a year
or so, mostly so my name wouldn't get mucked up again (they run a bizarre
operation at that zine). |
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The Painful Error & My
Befuddlement To
the right you'll see an image of the credits box on the Table of Contents
page from Brutarian Quarterly Issue #30. You
can click on it to view it in full-size format. I've circled the
reference in question. Everyone else's name is spelled
correctly. This makes me wonder what the story is, since my name
isn't a difficult one and there isn't a huge similarity in sound beyond
the first syllable. |
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| A
Quick Genealogy Primer Or, "See Dick Run Jane Over For Calling Him 'Rick'" And there are LOADS more Fitz names. This is kind of like Ericsson being "Son of Eric," Robertson being "Son of Robert," and Johnson being "Son of John." It's a common way surnames have developed, much like the old practice of one's profession becoming a name: |
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The curious thing is, aside from the "Fitz" prefix, they don't sound alike. I mean, would you call your friend Patrick by the name Gerald? Would you call Herbert by the name William? Of course not!
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Dissecting the Confusion Or, "Basic Training in Vowel and Consonant Sounds" I've studied the names from a forensic linguistics perspective to see if I'm maybe missing something. I don't think I am. Check out this complex model I call "contrast and evaluation alphabetic phonetic diagram" (read: chart comparing the sounds of letters):
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| Interestingly enough, the only letters common in both surnames are the "A" and the "R," and they come in different orders in the two names. The "R" naturally sounds the same, but the "A's" are different. In "Gerald," it's more of an "uh" sound -- "JAYR-uhld." In "Patrick," it's more like the "a" in "cat." Further, the shapes the mouth takes to form each word are vastly different. First, "Patrick" begins with the lips together and is immediately followed by the touching of the tongue to the forward roof of the mouth. "Gerald" never has the lips meet, and the tongue does nothing more exciting than loll around on the bottom of the mouth. So far, there doesn't seem to be any strong correlation. You'll note that I've grouped the "CK" at the end of "Patrick," since they combine to make a single sound. Note that it has absolutely no sonic familiarity with the "D" in "Gerald," just as "G" and "P" are as alien to each other Mister Spock's blood is to Captain Kirk's. In fact, studying every aspect of these two names shows there to be virtually no logical way someone, especially who has known your name to begin with, could mess it up. Of course, it's that "Fitz." But
does a prefix muck up the works? I don't see how, but it seems to be
the case. |
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| Retribution's a Hardship Or, "Payback's a Bitch"  In
some cultures, mucking up a name is a sign of such disrespect and
dishonor that if the person who was dissed tore out the throat of the
offender with his teeth, he would be justified (I can't back that up with
fact, but I'm sure it's true). Luckily for all the
Fitzgerald fanatics in the world, we who are insulted can't retaliate to
such extremes. But all we want is a little basic respect.
I mean, if you wrote my last name "FitzPatrick,"
"Fitz-Patrick," "Fitzpatric," or "Fittspatrick,"
I wouldn't be too upset... those are all viable alternates to spelling the
name. But Fitzgerald? Come ON, people! |
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| Brutarian's Issue #30
was my first credited appearance -- as "Web-chimp." I took
no offense to the title, since it was not only amusing but quite true.
The credit was on the Table of Contents page, out of the way where credits
usually are at the bottom, so not a whole lot of people will see the name
and only I will care. But the next issue, #31, was to be a very
important one to me--my first published fiction would appear there. Can you imagine how much I'd have
lost my mind if my name showed up on the title page to my story as "David M.
Fitzgerald?" |
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Wondering Why Or, "Could I Be a Sub-Standard Inhuman?"  Do
I not stand out in a crowd? Do people not take me seriously? Do
I just not matter? Should I come up with a pen name that nobody can
remember--something short and easy, like John Doe? Hell, nobody ever
accidentally called Stephen King "Stephen Queen" or "Stephen Prince," right?
The most he had to deal with was being mistakenly called "Steven King."What do I have to do? Wear bell bottoms so large a 600-pound woman could make two dresses out of them, and wear them down around my ass so stupid boxer shorts are sticking out? It seems to draw attention to the young idiots who wear them today. I could spike my hair and color it green and purple and get piercings in my nose, eyebrow, tongue, belly button, nipples, and... and... and how about nowhere else. Platform shoes and pink suspenders? Will that make people say without having to question their thoughts, "Oh yeah, there goes that David FitzPATRICK, I'd know him ANYWHERE." So what do I do? Charity Education Vengeance
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| And what do you think would happen if I did that?
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| Touché! I made a trip to a hotel to see a client, and the front desk lady called down to let her know I was there. She got the woman on the phone and, as I was expecting her to say "David Fitzgerald is here to see you"--or, at the least, "David... (to me) what was your last name?" Instead, she looks at me, and says, "What's your first name?" I said, "David." She returned to the receiver and said, "David Fitzpatrick is here to see you." She got off the phone and told me to head on down to the office, and I said, "I'm impressed you remembered my last name." She smiled and said, "Oh, it was easy. It's almost the same as my last name--Fitzgerald." How appropriate--only a Fitzgerald could have not called me the same. I told her briefly how I was mistakenly called "Fitzgerald" all the time, and guess what she said? "I can understand--I'm called 'Fitzpatrick' all the time." Well, at least I'm not alone. |
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| Wrapping It All Up Or, "Would you like my foot up your ass TO GO, sir?" Yeah, that would probably burn it into everyone's head in a hurry. Yeah, definitely. But maybe this informational page will help to educate the chronically name-pronunciation-and-remembering-challenged. But... probably not. Best, -David M. Fitzgerald Nooo.... I was just checking to see if you were paying attention! -David M. Fitzpatrick (proudly) |
